This week has been rough. I’ve been sick for a couple weeks now, as has my baby. And in the midst of this, little man (whose one easy trait was his ability to sleep) also randomly decided he didn’t want to sleep. At all. One night I was awake with him from 1-8:00 in the morning, when he finally decided to take a little nap…which turned out to be his only nap of the day. Another night, I never fell asleep at all (turns out my brain on Sudafed is not prone to sleep). Another day I didn’t get out of my room until 3:45, when I finally ate lunch and used the restroom.
All this to say, I’ve felt exhausted, tired, and–if I’m honest–on the brink of depression. (Yes, I know–eating at normal times would help this. I know. What did Paul say? “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” Preach it, brother.)I kept telling myself that my tribulations were really very small in the grand scheme of things. I knew things would go back to normal eventually. But I just couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. It was akin to recovering from a C-section: I knew that, at some point, I would get better; I just didn’t know when. And I don’t do well with uncertainty (I know, it’s a miracle I survive day-to-day).
All this to say, I’ve felt very on-edge and inadequate. Like I just couldn’t do all the things I want to do…to be there for everyone.
And then today a student handed me a note. As I read it during lunch, my eyes betrayed me and tears threatened to fall…
We recently joined a church plant, and a couple weeks ago our pastor spoke about prayer. He encouraged us to listen, not just talk, as you would in any healthy relationship. A couple nights ago, as I attempted to listen while trying to soothe a restless toddler, I swear I heard God say, “You are a good mom. Repeat after me, ‘I am a good mom.'”
I sat there, sobbing.
And then this note today…I’m no longer surprised when God uses teenagers to speak directly into my life. They are more attune to their surroundings than most adults I know. As such, their words often leave a very deep imprint on my heart.
This note spoke life and encouragement into my soul. It was just what I needed, while I was feeling incompetent and just not enough.
And so I’m learning: listen. Listen to the truth that others are speaking into me. Listen to and rest in truth, for these words are life-giving and allow me to continue to improve as a mom, a wife, and a teacher.