Still

The world news this week has already saddened me to the point of fatigue. Sometimes news keeps me up; others times it makes me so tired I can’t even keep my eyes open.

I’m half Iranian.

I fell asleep putting our three-year-old to bed.

I woke myself up enough just to drag my body to the couch, where my husband was watching the news.

I looked up long enough to catch where the anchor was broadcasting from: the province of Kermansha.

My maiden name is Kermanshahi.

You can do the math.

I’m tired. I’m scared. I’m tired of being scared.

And yet this space is committed to the good. To hope. To resilience.

Tonight I’m exhausted and I’m worried.

But my 2020 word for the year is still.

As in calm. As in open. As in equanimity.

My precalc kids started working on their 2020 word today, too. I knew my word already but I still did the activity with them:

I’ll get to see their words on Thursday.

For now, I want to practice that stillness, that quiet. That certainty that while I’m not in control, I still have the ability to choose my reactions. To choose peace or to choose fear.

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts. The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Come and see what the Lord has done, the desolations he has brought on the earth. He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth. He breaks the bow and shatters the spear; he burns the shields with fire. He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭46:1-11‬ ‭NIV‬‬